I did a variety of things during my weekend in Pennsylvania: Revisited Valley Forge National Park, went bowling, ate at a swank Manayunk restaurant, ate at a Red Lobster, attended to a Lutheran church service, and drove to Lancaster to hang out in the backroom of a historic seafood restaurant with several dozen members of my extended family. There, I ate asparagus.
It is the asparagus I will talk about, not because it was by any means the highlight of my trip. It’s just that as far as vegetables go, asparagus is downright fascinating.
Asparagus has been cultivated for over 2000 years, and is mentioned in the oldest surviving cookbook, De re coquinaria from the 3rd century A.D.
Asparagus is a word that is both singular and plural. Is it correct to say The asparagus is tasty or The asparagus are tasty? Both are correct… and quite true! Asparagus is an inkhorn term: A English word that was purposely “Latinized” by English spelling reformers in the 17th century. These much-derided grammar snobs deemed the Latin term asparagus to be more refined than the Middle English sperage. It was too refined for the common man, who derived the folky name sparrow grass from the Latin name.
The “proper” way to consume asparagus spears (meaning how the Queen of England does it) is by picking them up and eating them with your fingers. More specifically, “They are taken from the stem with the fingers. They are soaked in a sauce, if desired, and the soak part is introduced in the mouth with a single bit without sipping“. It sounds easy, but it can be tricky if the asparagus is overcooked to the point of drooping, and gushes green-infused juice when bitten. Perhaps because of graceless boobs like myself who cannot make this look like a refined table manner, or perhaps because treating asparagus like a french fry shocks the sensibilities of less-educated diners, etiquette guides usually relent: “Nowadays, the fork can also be used with this vegetable.”
Of course, the most fascinating property of this dainty spear is its ability to infuse urine with a distinct ammonia smell. A majority of Americans have a gene that converts asparagus into “really foul smelling urine”, while others are not affected, and some can’t even smell it in other’s urine. Apparently, this phenomenon is not something most people mention in polite company. It took Babe Ruth to break the taboo: “Asparagus makes my urine smell funny… This is one way of identifying how closely related to Babe Ruth you are.” I must be a distant cousin, at least. I’m not a scatological person, but I think it’s kinda neat. Last night at the Connecticut rest stop on the way home, it was a nice reminder of the asparagus consumed at the lovely family gathering earlier in the day.
