It’s that time of year when our nation’s luminaries hit the graduation podiums to bestow parting wisdom on newly-minted college graduates. Many receive an honorary degree in exchange for their services, like actor Henry Winkler (“The Fonz”) who is speaking today at the New England Institute of Technology. Because the Fonz is technology personified.
Some bigwigs speak at so many graduations that they are said to be “hitting the commencement trail.” Hillary Clinton gave 5 in 2005, all but exhausting her options of colleges willing to invite her. Not to say she’s hit the bottom of the barrel, but Hillary won’t be doing a “search and replace” on her 1998 Harvard Medical School speech to reuse it at Buffalo State College and Long Island University this year.
Noted rhetorician President Bush is speaking at 4 ceremonies this year, starting yesterday at Oklahome State Univeristy. Bush advised graduates to “harness the promise of technology without becoming slaves to technology… science serves the cause of humanity and not the other way around.” What does that even mean? Is that veiled pontificatin’ against stem cell research and finding new ways to abort the unborn? Or is Bush cautioning graduates about the dangers of engineering intelligence in artificial entities (killer robots, you know)? Bush also got some mileage out of OSU’s mascot: “If you read the papers, you know that when some want to criticize me, they call me a cowboy. … This cowboy is proud to be standing amidst of a lot of other cowboys.” Way to pump those graduates up to go out into the world and wrangle cattle.
The irony of George Bush lecturing to the learned folk is not lost on anyone, including Bush himself, who riffed on the absurdity during his 2005 speech to Calvin College: “I was just telling Laura the other night about what fun it would be to come to Calvin College. I said, you know, Laura, I love being around so many young folks. You know, it gives me a chance to re-live my glory days in academia. (Laughter.) She said, George, that’s not exactly how I would describe your college experience. (Laughter)”. Isn’t it great to have a down-to-Earth president who can joke about how undistinguished he is?
Several Boston colleges have scored coups this year, with Condi Rice at Boston College, Les Moonves at Boston University, and Lance Armstrong at Tufts. Harvard University is hosting Jim Lehrer, a decidedly staid choice compared to John Lithgow in 2005 and Will Farrell in 2003 (who told graduates “You’re young men and women whose exuberance exude a confident confidence of a bygone era. I believe it was Shakespeare who said it best when he said, ‘Look yonder into the darkness for knowledge onto which I say go onto that which thou possess into thy night for thee have come with only a single sword and vanquished thee into darkness'”).
Politicians and industry leaders are the traditional commencement speakers, but other famous people have realized the ego-pleasing boon of publicity to be had. Colleges want speakers who will wow and entertain the audience of future endowers. Bono’s 2004 speech at University of Pennsylvania started off “My name is Bono and I am a rock star”. Richie Sambora spoke at Kean University in 2004: “I would appreciate it if you all referred to me as Doctor Sambora for now on (and I’ll be asking my wife to do the same, since I’ve already bought her the nurse’s uniform). Jon Stewart gave a classic performance at his alma mater the College of William and Mary in 2004. “What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents’ basement?”
For years I’ve been telling people that Wynton Marsalis was my commencement speaker, but it may have been his brother Branford. All I remember is Wynton/Bradford yelling at the rowdy crowd of graduates for acting like children in front of our families. The whole day is kinda hazy… I stayed up until 4am arguing with a guy I never met before about if the actor who played Cliff Claven in Cheers was one of the fighter pilots in the original Star Wars. I was wrong: Cliff Claven was in Star Wars. The cherry of knowledge on my college education…
