Star Jones
The Flash intro is a glamour-shoot montage of Star Jones from her six months as a thin person. Her personal motto displays on the fixed top frame: I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me. Can someone get Star Jones a thesaurus? An email address is required to view the site in earnest. I entered “todd@yahoo.com.” Sorry, Todd, whoever you are. I hope you don’t get Star Jones-oriented Spam.
“Her knowledge of the law and talent for television has won her critical acclaim as a news and legal correspondent.” Wait, is this the same Star Jones on the hormonal hen panel The View, discussing hemorrhoids and slimming hair styles? Other Star facts: She has a Maltese puppy named Pinky Michelle Reynolds. She was the “Chief of Consumer Style” for PayLess shoes. She is a “complete devotee of Pilates.” The site heavily promotes Star’s book, Shine. It also has a link to her infamous wedding website, starandal.com. She had 15 bridal attendants and 6 pre-wedding events, and a “fantasy” honeymoon in Dubai and the Maldives. Why are you famous, Star? Why you? Symbolically, on both sites, if you try to turn off the music, the song just restarts.
Nicole Richie
I almost screamed when the page loaded: A dashboard of widgets amid a picture of Nicole with searing black eyeliner that sets off the stark whites of her eyes. The gallery has over 6000 images of Nicole shopping, partying, and flaunting her skeletal body draped in designer clothes. The gossip forum is filled with overwrought speculation on the status of her feud with Paris Hilton, who actually deserves the fame that she so carefully orchestrated.
Louie Anderson
A video message on the home page shows a pallid Louie thanking everyone for their support after his recent surgery (“I had part of my colon removed, a foot. It was my dad’s foot.”) His fleshy white face is plastered all over the site. So chumpy and Midwestern, like a corn muffin. Clips of his stand-up offer veritable proof of his unfunniness, as he moans about airline baggage and slow drivers, and ponders the mindset of a deer in headlights.
Leah Remini
I have no idea who this woman is, but I saw her in People commenting that yes, Suri Cruise exists: “She looks just like Tom and Katie.” The excessively purple website initially offered no enlightenment as to why she’s in People. On the Charity page (a celebrity website requisite, unless you’re Nicole Richie), Leah says “I wanted to put this on my web site as I am a firm believer in helping others where you can. I think as you get older you start wondering, “What the hell am I doing on this planet?” You don’t know either?
After reading the extensive FAQ, I determined that she is on the show “The King of Queens” and that she’s a Scientologist, making her worthy enough to lay eyes on Suri and deserving enough to have a photo gallery filled with pics of Leah, all fat-lipped and unsmiling.
Melissa Rivers
The opening Flash montage says it all: “Charming… Funny… Fabulous… Melissa Rivers”.
