It’s that time of year, when America’s cutest racketeers stake out prime public space with boxes of industrialized cookies, luring weak-willed adults who are defenseless against carefully-scripted sales pitches about how the Samoas are “yummy for the tummy” (here.)
The media is widely reporting that, starting this year, all the varieties of Girl Scout cookies are “nearly” trans-fat free (here), but that does little to curb the collective surge in our nation’s blood insulin. “It’s hard to know what’s sweeter, the girls or the cookies!” pooh-pooh patrons as they purchase peanut butter patties from those darling entrepreneurs. Um, the cookies, cause they can actually make you diabetic.
A co-worker/proud Girl Scout parent left 4 boxes of the coveted Thin Mints in the kitchenette this morning. By 5pm, 3 of the 4 boxes were devoured. In accordance with the Laws of Free Office Food (a theorum involving the interplay of Entitlement complexes, Hoarding mentalities, My Fair Share worries and Old-fashioned Stress Eating), the rate of Thin Mint consumption will accelerate as the number of cookies decreases, meaning the Thin Mints will be gone at precisely 9:55am tomorrow morning… save one, because no one ever wants to be the pig who nullifies the Free Office Food. The lone remaining Thin Mint will sit in the kitchenette all morning, mocking our unfettered indulgence.
Not mine, though – I’ve ignored the cookies, except to note their rapid disappearance. It’s not that I’m a health-nut purist who doesn’t find fatty sweets to be pleasurable and even beneficial to one’s health, but I’m just not a cookie person. If the Girls Scouts sold cakes… oh, I’d be a-gorging.
As I prepared my afternoon cup of coffee, a co-worker walked by. “Leave some for the rest of us, won’t you?” he said jovially, grabbing a Thin Mint. I was outraged to be accused of hogging cookies when I hadn’t touched one, and almost announced my virtous abstinence. But in the office environment, it’s much safer to be perceived as a glutton than a bitch. “It’s for a good cause, right?” I called out.
