I avoid reading “news” stories involving famous people who are connected to the entertainment industry. I mean, it’s not enough that these sensationalized celebrities command our attention through their tasteless, formulaic pop culture endeavors, but it takes some fucking cheek to demand even more of our time with articles about their debased lifestyles and photo spreads of their wanton frippery.
There’s a quote about how women should not aspire to have an epitaph that says “She kept a clean house.” Well, I don’t want an epitaph that says “She knew everything about Brad and Angelina.”
Yet… as I scanned the front page of CNN.com, I couldn’t resist clicking the headline “Woody Harrelson claims he mistook photographer for zombie.” And what guilty pleasure surged when I read Woody’s official statement regarding his assault of a TMZ photographer:
“I wrapped a movie called ‘Zombieland,’ in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie.”
“Quite understandably.” Interesting grammar fact: When two adverbs are stacked right against each other like that, everything that follows is negated. Like “I really absolutely cannot make it to work today” means “I just don’t feel like going to work today.” And “I usually always recycle” means “I recycle when it’s inconvenient not to recycle.” So, when Woody says “I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie,” he is saying “I was startled by a paparazzo who I wanted to pummel with my fist.”
It’s a good thing nobody startled Mr. Harrelson after he filmed Natural Born Killers.
