Fashion Week is once again underway in NYC (for the Spring 2005 collection). Designers seem infatuated with the 1970s; everything is slinky, synthetic, and ugly.
I don’t dress with an unhealthy amount of fashion sense, but I have the ability to tell what looks bad. I take pride in knowing when a fashion trend is ridiculous, because then I can avoid looking like one of those fools who is a slave in the American Mass-Market Fashion Chain Gang.
Boston is not a High Fashion town, but most women do make an effort to put into practice the fashion they glean from perusing Vogue and Glamour on the treadmill. And I mean no offense to anyone, because lord knows I am the walking antithesis of fashion… but the following five trends are dead and should be buried.
- Pink. Pink is finally trickling down to the people who should avoid the color the most: The old, the fat, and the professional. Only one type of woman can pull off pink, and she’s between the ages of 1 and 8.The other week on the T, I saw a woman in her late 40s-mid 50s, strolling on the T platform in a sateen candy pink pleated A-Line skirt. Sorry, honey. Even a slim figure and nice hair can’t make a pink skirt go with facial wrinkles.
- The Scarf Belt. Every time I see a scarf used as a belt, it reminds me of those speed-freak women on QVC. I can just picture them mooning over synthetic scarves, bleating “And you can weave it through your belt loops and tie it around your waist!””Oh, isn’t that cute! It really enlivens any ensemble!” “It really adds a feminine touch and a stylish flare!” “You can get twice the use out of the scarf!” I see a scarf used as a belt, and I think about how she may re-tie the scarf before she washes her hands in the bathroom.
- Butt Words. Is there anything more hilarious than a pair of sweat pants with Greek Letters embroidered onto the seat? I mean, there’s so much obvious symbolism that providing a full exegesis of this style is unnecessary.
- Dysfunctional Shoes. Boston is a walking city, but our sidewalks weren’t meant for walking. So when I see a daft damsel trying to alluringly navigate uneven cobblestones, cracked pavement and foot-high curbs in 5-inch spike heels with zero ankle support, I get a sick feeling of pity mixed with scorn. Why do women willingly do this to themselves? If you’re going out to a party, and locomotion isn’t a concern at all… go ahead, slip on the Manolo Blahniks or whatever. But if you’re actually going to walk, only the most graceful creatures can make it look effortless. Every other woman looks like she’s one step away from a public face-plant.
- Flip flops. Wikipedia defines flip-flops quite succinctly: a kind of flat, backless sandal that consist of simple soles held on the foot by a V-shaped strap that passes between the toes and around either side of the foot, attached to the sole at three points. Does that sound like something you want to be wearing on a subway? Flip flops were designed to walk so humans could walk on the beach, not so they could traipse around dirty, trash-covered cities known for its centuries-old, rat-infested sewage drains.
