I’ve never written a celebrity fan letter. Anyone who would move me to write one is dead. Plus, it’s degrading. Celebrity fan letters are essentially a one-sided conversation, so the writer must attempt to elicit a response with pitiful fawning.
Mariah Carey gets the best fan mail because she appeals an array of people. A while back the Smoking Gun published a dozen of the 2000 pieces of fan mail found in a Manhattan trash bin (calling into question Mariah’s oft-bleated devotion to her fans and her scrapbooks of their pictures.) But I actually can’t blame Mariah for wanting these missives to be as far away as possible. Everyone wants something from her: A poster, an autograph, advice… to get into her mind, her soul, her pants…
From a guy who says her voice hitting that trademark high note gives him a “boner”: I’m very interested in what Nationality you are. I don’t have a clue? I’ve heard that you were Mexican. Puetorican, and even Black. I think you are part goddess myself… I’d appreciate a nice poster of you with your signature on it. I just can’t find any posters of you, anywhere
From a prisoner named Ralphie: Mabe if you want you could be my pen-pal. I could use a friend. I’m here cause of coke, but I’m learning to be a mason. I also go to NA and AA and Bible Study and GED classes.
From “a very handsome, intelligent, white gentlemen”: “I wanted to drop you a line and request a sexy photograph from you to put in my office. I’m one of those Wall St. rogues you’ve read about who takes over companies and is a maverick entrepeneur.”
From a female prisoner, who wants “Mirha” to be her “Dear Abby for a Day”: I have this girl that I broke up with and she’s on drugs… What should I do plaese help me help her before it’s to late
From a man who “uses” a lot of “quotation” “marks”: “Bravo, Mariah, Bravo!!!”
