The Boston Globe featured an interview with Miss Massachusetts. No, not Miss Massachusetts America, but the Miss Massachusetts USA, who distinguishes the dueling titular tits by saying “Miss America looks like a senator’s wife, while Miss USA, the title I competed for, is a sexy, modern woman.” (‘Senator’s wife?’ Couldn’t she have at least opted for the slightly less bitchy ‘senator’s daughter?’)
Apparently, being Miss Massachusetts USA is a “tough” job that involves a solid year of obsessive grooming and restraint from anything that may “compromise the crown.” Says our state’s foremost sexy, modern woman: “I have a dress sponsor, a hair stylist, and a dentist who takes care of my teeth to make sure it’s in the ‘pretty zone.’ I had a retainer that I had to wear all the time – yes, Miss Massachusetts has to sleep with a retainer. I had a personal trainer who came to the house; a nutritionist who handles my diet; a pageant coach who works on interview questions with me; a director and appearance manager.”
Wow. It really does take a village. I can’t decide if I’m more amused by her referring to her teeth as having a “pretty zone,” by her admitting to sleeping with some sort of retainer, or by the numerous grammar problems riddling her inarticulate responses despite having graduated with honors from Boston Univeristy and having a dedicated resource to coach her on interview questions. Later, she reveals her diet: “six small meals a day, like a cup of oatmeal and four egg whites. I’ll also have sandwich wraps or nuts on the run. I used to eat a lot of chicken, but you don’t carry around a cooler of chicken all day. Sushi is my new thing, although I shouldn’t be eating the white rice.” Is it possible to be both a sexy, modern woman and ashamed of including white rice in a bland deprivation diet? Will white rice “compromise the crown?”
As a child, I did have a recurrent fascination with the Miss America pageant, but I never aspired to look like them or become a pageant winner. I could tell that the women in the Miss America pageant were intrinsically different from me; they were more like my Barbie dolls, and in fact the annual pageant inspired a scenario that I played out with my Barbies, when they would compete pageant-style for the affections of Derek, the lone male in “Barbie and the Rockers.” (I didn’t know it at the time, but essentially, I invented Rock of Love.)
Beauty pageants now fascinate me on an entirely different level. After Jon-Benet Ramsey, Little Miss Sunshine, and Miss Teen South Carolina’s infamously incoherent “such as” answer, the tragedy of their elaborate, hollow pursuit is evident. Back in the 50s, these beautiful young women symbolized America’s virtues. Then, they symbolized society’s objectification of women. Now, as evident by Miss Massachusetts USA, they symbolize women’s objectification of society.
