Tonight George W. Bush will unveil his latest strategy for re-accomplishing the mission in Iraq. The mission was originally accomplished in 2003, when Bush announced that major combat operations in Iraq had ended in “victory,” but some unresolved issues – mainly societal chaos – still linger. [It’s called Doublethink, people. You’ve had 6 years to get hip to it.]
The revised Iraq strategy is expected to include a “surge” of 20,000 troops, including 6 National Guard brigades, which will leave America’s homeland defenses in the hands of the National Park Service, the Boy Scouts, and whatever armed citizen militias step up to the plate when the 3.25 million-strong Chinese People’s Liberation Army comes rolling in.
Experts predict that the war in Iraq will be the glaring rubric of Bush’s disgraced legacy, supplemented by the following follies:
* International disdain. Bush’s pig-headed policy of unilateralism has made him the most ill-received American President ever. Remember when Bush Senior threw up in the Japanese Prime Minister’s lap? GWB has been vomiting in the world’s lap for the past six years.
* Budget Deficit. We all know a person whose out-of-control spending – whether on housing, vacations, clothes, a war to foist democracy on an unwilling populace – shows total disregard for their budget. What a reckless idiot, we think. But no one goes as far as GWB, who purposely reduced America’s take-home pay in order to please the bosses. Bush’s fiscally-unsound tax cuts have broke America.
* Dismal domestic performance. Bush catered to conservatives, and not even to their complete satisfaction; America’s still got a fag problem. As proof of his ‘compassionate’ nature, Bush repeatedly cites his support of the “No child left behind unless they’re stranded in the Superdome” Act. And as for Homeland Security, seriously: Why is Bush’s reaction to 9/11 considered a strength? His administration allowed the attack to happen.
* Catastrophic environmental ‘not-my-problems’. Good news! The bears in the Moscow Zoo have gotten over their warm-weather-induced insomia and have begun to hibernate. More good news: NOAA, the federal weather agency, has acknowledged that human emission of heat-trapping gases is changing the weather. The funny thing is, these government scientists are even slower than Bush, who said in 2005: “I recognize that the surface of the Earth is warmer and that an increase in greenhouse gases caused by humans is contributing to the problem,” which means he’s not ignorant to global warming… he just doesn’t give a shit.
In short, even if the Iraq situation is miraculously salvaged so that the violence stops and a semblance of normalcy occurs, Bush’s legacy looks bleak. Planning for Bush’s Presidential Library has begun, and Southern Methodist University will be the likely site. Although some SMU faculty is opposed, who can deny the fittingness of Bush’s papers, records, and possibly even his corpse residing at a private, vaguely religious school nicknamed ‘Southern Millionaire’s University,’ known for its passion for Greek life and athletics, and mediocre academics? Not only do I applaud the choice, I will personally donate a copy of My Pet Goat to the Bush collection.
