Anecdotal evidence suggests that everyone got what they wanted this holiday season. And even if they didn’t, it’s okay, because no one I know wanted, like, a kidney.
But wait! What about the retail industry itself, who so graciously provides the trinkets with which we express our affections? With holiday sales growing only 4.5% from last year, it looks like they will be denied their holiday wish of the forecasted 5% growth, which was already the lowest increase in sales since 2002.
My heart aches for the American retail industry. They’re like a mother who spent all day cooking up a feast only to have her smorgasbord daintily and politely picked at: “Oh, it all looks really good, but I already ate… It’s all so filling… I’m just not hungry, thanks.” Ingrates! Don’t you know that megabusiness treasures our frenzied holiday consumption of their wares? The America that they cater to doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘leftovers.’
And now it’s time for dessert, and they’re offering some sweet deals. Americans, redeem yourselves. Hunker down and cram .5% more consumer goods down your gullet. Don’t give me that “I don’t have the room for more” crap… there’s always room for 50% off seasonal decorations. What’s the matter, you’ve had enough of the mall? You’re going to hide in your homes with your families and enjoy each other’s company? Wusses. Look at England, they’re rioting for post-Christmas sales. Now that’s showing gratitude for the retail industry.
