5. Jingle Bells
As a rule, I love Christmas songs that glorify bells: “Carol of the Bells,” “Silver Bells,” “Sleigh Ride,” “Christmas in the Drunk Tank.” But thanks to those Jingle Dogs, all I hear are barks, not bells.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
It’s cute if you’re in on the joke, but if you’re not… man, what a mind-fuck.
3. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
I have major philosophical problems with this one. The song is a self-fulfilling prophesy; the only reason Rudolph goes down in history is because we keep singing this song. The whole Rudolph myth sprung from crass commercialism, with no basis in tradition, logic, or science.
2. Holly Jolly Christmas
Something about the phrase “holly jolly” being sung repeatedly just grates my nerves. It tries too hard. It’s the musical version of that sweaty, red-faced guy at the Christmas party who is so determined to be merry that he gets shamelessly wasted.
1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
If you’re eight years old and your Grandmas are still alive, this is the best Christmas song ever. It’s essentially a children’s song, with that hokey beat and novelty twang, sung by a guy named Elmo. Hysterically funny. But musical maturation inhibits the ability to rejoice over silly songs. The giggles have faded, and the inevitable listening of this song has become an annual dread that’s enough to make me go Jew.
