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Sunday Morning Laundry

Outside, an epic rain was falling. The weather forecaster explained that a storm system was “stuck” over New England, that it would “sit and spin” on top of us for days, dumping massive amounts of precip and blowing sustained wind gusts and flooding our roads, our basements and our rivers, and it would be unrelenting. On Saturday night, I’d periodically wake up to the sound of battering rain drops against our windows, accompanied by a persistent sigh of wind that occasionally reared up into a howl. Sit and spin, indeed.

The laundry had to be done on Sunday morning. I lugged our two portable hampers to my car, my face catching the brunt of water flung by the sideways wind. “Enough!” I wanted to shout at nothing. “Can’t you see that I’m already wet? Can’t you see that everything is already wet?” But the storm persisted with its chilled torrent, and I made my way to the laundromat nursing severe feelings of persecution.

When I arrived at the laundromat, there was no convenient street parking, owing to the fact that the laundromat was located in between a Baptist church and a popular bagel eatery — a Sunday morning double-whammy that left me hauling my hampers down two blocks of sidewalk, my biceps burning under the weight of dirty clothes while rivulets of water streamed off my raincoat and the cuffs of my tan pants turned brown with moisture.

The laundromat was empty, although several dryers were in motion — the lingering presence of another launderer. Immediately I began sorting our clothes into a cluster of washers — a mad dash of flying socks, pouring detergent, and clanging quarters, because the sooner the washers start, the sooner I can leave. The washers clicked to life, filling with sudsy water and spinning into a vortex of cotton and synthetics. Sit and spin.

I slipped on my iPod headphones, and watched the washers sit and spin, and watched the rain beat down on Mass Ave. People came in, the wind helping them to burst the door open: A young black man with a single load, carrying a cup of Yoplait yogurt and a banana; two young men, one wearing an oversized T-shirt that said “My Feet Hurt,” bearing clothes that briefly perfumed the laundromat with body odor and cigarette smoke; an older man, washing a comforter. We were all idling in the laundromat, in silence, in a comfortable silence, as the storm periodically intensified and then abated. For once, the scariest thing at the laundromat was outside.

Soon my clothes began to dry. Load by load, I piled the clothes into the laundromat-provided steel basket and wheeled them over to the folding table, where I expertly whisked the jumbled mess of fabric into a neat stack of clothes. I folded with frenetic speed, intent on erasing this last bit of tedium from the task that is laundry.  I folded sheets, towels, t-shirt, dress shirts, slacks, boxers, dish clothes, napkins, handkerchiefs, jeans, and sports bras. And as I folded, I darted glances around the laundromat and realized I was the only person moving; the others stood frozen, gazing into some private abyss that existed somewhere outside, in the storm, through the windows at which they gaped.

My iPod hung on my ears, dormant, a silent victim of my preoccupation. So when the church bells began, I could hear them very clearly, and a shiver ascended my spine. The bells overcame the sound of the storm, chiming a winsome, sweet song; it made me think of a sunny spring day filled with flowers and birdsong. It made me think of going to church as a young girl with my family, wearing an airy Sunday dress, content in who I was and who I was with, innocent to the ravages of man, nature, and deity.

I wanted the church bells to last forever, to ring out in everlasting solace. But the song finished, and the rain continued to pour from the sky — from fountains of unfathomable reserve, from the sit and spin weather system that has turned our radars green — to purge the ungodly for our deeds of ungodliness, for what we have done and left undone, for spending our Sunday morning in the laundromat as the epic rain purges the wicked and cleanses the yielding, like socks in the laundry.

Posted in Existence.

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Sucky Vacuums

Our vacuum cleaner has been dying for the past year or so, its suction slowly waning until only the hose would ingest the proffered dust, dirt, hair, and crumbs. So I’d vacuum the whole apartment with the hose, a tedious, inefficient process that was the height of domestic banality and evoked near-lethal amounts of self-pity. And then, sometime last month, even the hose stopped working.

“I abhor this vacuum,” I’d declare. “This vacuum sucks. Because… it’s not sucking.” As much fun as it was to make vacuum-related puns during my semi-tri-monthly house cleanings, the whole thing bothered me immensely. I can’t relax on my yoga mat when I can see, smell, and taste the mites and allergens that coat our hardwood floor. I had been reduced to using a broom like some medieval chambermaid.

Since the sucky non-sucking vacuum was not worth getting repaired, we decided to invest in a new vacuum — another sub-$100 model that will probably die in a few years, but by then maybe we’d be willing to invest in one of those 1000-watt motor marvels with a 20-year warranty. Until then, we’re going to Sears.

The lady working the vacuum department in Sears had not one, but two lazy eyes. She was large, middle-aged and spoke with a dripping Boston accent. Yet make no mistake: This woman was a vacuum cleaner hustler.

“Those have no suction,” she started off straight away, gesturing towards the lower-end canister vacuums we were looking at. “Good if you live in dorm room or a studio apartment… that one can’t get under furniture, so if you’re one of those really clean people, I wouldn’t recommend it. Of course, not everyone want to maintain that level of cleanliness… when you empty the bin on that one, you’re going to get a face full of dust… you’ll have trouble cleaning carpets with that one.”

“We don’t have carpets,” I told her, a bit triumphantly. “We have a smallish hardwood floor apartment and we just need something simple.” I turned my hopeful attention to a $70 Kenmore upright vacuum.

She aimed her fishy gaze at it. “Noisy as heck, that one. Turn it on if you don’t believe me.”

Mr. P seemed keen on a Bissell canister. When buying appliances, he is extremely brand-conscious; he doesn’t trust brands that he has never heard of. “What is this, Hoover?” he asked, his accent turning it into a very disdainful “Hoo-verrr.”

“Hoover’s actually a well-known brand in the vacuum world,” I assured him. “I think they, like, made the first modern vacuum.”

“Hoo-verrr,” he said again, testing out the word. After a lengthy pause, he said “J. Edgar.” Which made me giggle.

Since I do 95% of the vacuuming, I had the final say, and I went with the noisy upright Kenmore model. “I like the feel of upright vacuums,” I said, pushing and pulling it along the swath of test carpet. “The canisters just don’t feel right to me.”

The saleswoman refrained from making disparaging remarks about my selection as she rang us up, although she obviously thought it was a big mistake that we turned down the 2-year service plan. “This is such a racket,” Mr. P grumbled as he carried our new purchase back to the parking garage. “I give this vacuum one year, tops.”

Regardless of the vacuum’s future lifecycle, right now it works like a dream. “This vacuum sucks!” I exclaimed, elated, gaping with satisfaction at the scary amount of floor crap that ended up in the vacuum’s bin after the first use. “It really, really sucks!”

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Corey Haim’s Mortal Fame

I found out that Corey Haim had died on Wednesday afternoon, when the all-day meeting in which I was confined took a break and I hastily went through my battery of internet pitstops: email account #1, email account #2, stock portfolio, LOL Cats, and Google News, where I saw that “Corey Haim” was a trending search term. I intuitively knew without seeing any headlines that Corey Haim had died. He had either solved Greece’s debt crisis, or died.

Whenever a celebrity dies, I feel no sadness, but just a morbid curiosity about the circumstances. I toyed with possible scenarios of Corey Haim’s demise as my meeting reconvened: Drugs, probably. Suicide, possible. Homicide, a slim chance. Natural causes, unlikely. I tried to picture a young Corey Haim in my mind, but I couldn’t. I knew Corey Haim was a pretty boy, and I’ve never liked pretty boys because I’ve never been an especially pretty girl. Honestly, I had preferred Corey Feldman, with his alert brown eyes, smirky mouth, and billowy cheeks. Corey Feldman looked smart. Smart enough to live past forty, at least.

Corey Haim is a minor enough celebrity that I forgot all about him until the next morning, when I was at the gym, flipping through the channels on the television attached to my treadmill. The Today Show featured an astounding 18 minutes of coverage about Corey Haim: his prominence as a teenage heart-throb, his inevitable decline, his slight re-insurgence on reality television, and of course his drug problems. To chime in with expert knowledge of being a child star-turned-drug addict, Today enlisted Danny Bonaduce from the Partridge Family (Let me just interject that this very bout of morning news inspired me to renew my home delivery subscription to the New York Times). Bonaduce speculated that Corey — who he had never met — was abusing prescription drugs, and then waxed lyrical about how it wasn’t drugs that killed Corey, it was the haunting specter of celebrity.

And here is where the finger of culpability points at us, the fickle public. Blame the legions of girls who elevated Corey Haim above what his paltry movie experience warranted and made him a heartthrob, and then blame them again for allowing the fascination to fade and fizzle. Perhaps that’s why, whenever a past-peak celebrity dies, the public emotes with disproportional grief. We demand to know all the details, the toxicology results, the coroner’s report, the wills. Because it’s our fault for loving, and it’s our fault for forgetting.

Posted in In the News.

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Stuck on Traffic

The traffic on my commute is moderately inconsistent. Some days I crawl along the roadways in a steady stream of vehicles, locked into a speed and place like a segment of a centipede. Other rush hours, the roads are eerily wanting of cars, and I wonder what happened to the herd. Is everyone working late, or did they leave early? I feel like a fool either way as I slip around the highway, luxuriating in the space like a muumuu.

Traffic affects me emotionally. I was a confirmed pedestrian for ten years; to transition from walking everywhere to a one-hour daily car commute required a paradigm shift that my brain has yet to accept. I don’t look at other cars and see disembodied cars; I see people who are driving cars. And when someone tailgates me mercilessly, or pulls out in front of me, or doesn’t yield to me in a rotary, I feel personally affronted. Because behind the cloak of anonymity afforded by 2-10 tons of steel and rubber, there is a person — perhaps being rude, perhaps imperiling my life. Similar behavior by a fellow pedestrian on a sidewalk would be considered sociopathic.

Today at 6:15pm, I was driving home from work in relatively light traffic. I pulled off the highway and hit a bottleneck of two lanes merging into one lane in stop-and-go traffic. Everyone knows the protocol for this scenario: the lanes join together like a zipper, one car from the left lane, one car from the right lane, etc. Because that’s one of the hundreds of little societal rules that just makes sense. So I was in the right lane, preparing to merge into the left lane behind a Toyota Corolla (thank God behind it, right?) but the Jeep Cherokee beside me wasn’t relinquishing any space for my car. With each inch of traffic, the lanes converged and I stubbornly tried to assert my rightful place behind the Corolla. The Jeep and I were quite close to rubbing up against each other, and I wanted to yell out my window, “What’s wrong with you, sociopath? Merge like a zipper!”

The Jeep finally yielded to me, probably because my car was positioned one foot in front of the Jeep, thus making him legally liable for any vehicular contact. He rode my ass for 2 miles of pure gridlock, and when the lanes divided he roared past me, accelerating furiously towards a red light. “Don’t take it personally,” I counsel myself like a crazy person. “He doesn’t know you. He just drives like a douche. What a douche.”

There is no traffic in car commercials. It is just one car, speeding down a road, barreling through the outdoors, or parked conveniently. It is one car, driving into emptiness.

Posted in Americana.

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A check… is in the mail?

Is it bizarre that, whenever I fetch the mail from the dingy wall-mounted letter box on our front porch, that I secretly thrill to the hope that someone sent me money? Even though my paycheck is direct deposit, even when it’s not my birthday or Christmas, even if the government would no sooner send us a check than it would send Ahmadinejad a fresh fruit basket, I still cling to the absurd aspiration that there will be a check, in the mailbox, for me.

Surely this is a sickness.

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Ernest Entertainment

Last night after dinner, I had a choice: Watch the Oscar ceremony, or make sizable headway into For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway, which I am reading out of the pure abject shame of not yet having the pleasure.

Initially I choose the Oscars. Yes, I am ashamed. I watched ridiculous celebrities decked out in peacockery, many of dubious talents, earnestly honor each other while the camera perpetually panned the bored-looking audience in search of reaction. Every category is predictable. Why, I haven’t seen 80% of the nominated movies/performances, and my guesses were scarily accurate. The affair was redeemed somewhat by the comedic riffing of Steve Martin (who plays a mean banjo) but I started to drift off right around the Oscar for Best Make-up. I mean, really, life is just too frigging short.

So I picked up For Whom the Bell Tolls. I am enjoying it immensely, owing completely to Hemingway’s masterfully sparse use of language. He is the opposite of me, in that he can go entire chapters without using an adverb. When his language does flourish, it is simple and poetic, like in the following sex scene (which adroitly obscures any dirtiness while retaining the obvious sensuality):

Where there had been roughness of fabric all was smooth with a smoothness and firm rounded pressing and a long warm coolness, cool outside and warm within, long and light and closely holding, closely held, lonely, hollow-making with contours, happy-making, young and loving and now all warmly smooth with a hollowing, chest-aching, tight-held loneliness.

I wonder how Hemingway would have written this passage if he were writing today? The strict literary morality of his times weighed heavily on Hemingway’s prose; his more informal writing is rift with sex and blasphemy, and infinitely more entertaining because of it.

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof, shit detector. This is the writer’s radar and all great writers have had it. (in the Paris Review)

If you can’t say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment. (letter to editor of Esquire magazine)

In Europe then we thought of wine as something as healthy and normal as food and also as a great giver of happiness and well-being and delight. Drinking wine was not a snobbism nor a sign of sophistication nor a cult; it was as natural as eating and to me as necessary. (A Moveable Feast)

To me heaven would be a big bull ring with me holding two barrera seats and a trout stream outside that no one else was allowed to fish in and two lovely houses in the town; one where I would have my wife and children and be monogamous and love them truly and well and the other where I would have my nine beautiful mistresses on nine different floors. (letter to F. Scott Fitzgerald)

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Reaganomics

My loathing of former President Ronald Reagan is epic. I can’t really back up my feelings about Reagan with a fact-based assessment of his political performance, impact, or legacy, but I’ve always clung to the notion that I would be a very different person had I not spent my formative years as a Reagan Youth. Like, I’d be successful and shit.

So I need not waste words elucidating my thoughts about the Republican Congressman from North Carolina who is spearheading a bill to put Ronald Reagan on the $50 bill (here). Come on, Congressman… is this really about honoring The Gipper? Or is this just a scheme to dishonor the hated Ulysses S Grant — commander of the Northern Union army during the Civil War — by removing his face from our monetary supply and thus further from our public consciousness, so that the South may finally rise again?

It’s fitting that Ronald Reagan’s likeness adorn a somewhat rarefied and elite bill. But it’s unfortunate for me, because if I ever spied that smug mug in my wallet, I would probably have to burn it.

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I Hate Your Body

Yesterday in the mail, Mr. P received a thick pamphlet from Victoria’s Secret with a coupon for a Free Panty. “Why is this addressed to me?” Mr. P asked, handing it me.

I cocked an eyebrow and asked with mock insinuation, “Is there something you want to share with me?” Of course we both knew it was a remnant of that magical time early in our relationship, when he would buy me panties and negligees and I would buy him wine guides and waffle makers as we wooed each other on our way to the altar. Now, as the memory of the honeymoon wanes and we remain bound together by our love, our history, and our mutual fear of lawyers, I get residual Free Panty offers and he gets home-cooked meals featuring carb-free fare like pan-fried giblets and meatza.

The coupon is promoting Victoria’s Secret’s latest collection, called “I Love My Body” by Victoria (here). See, you can’t really tell from the pouty look of stupefaction on this woman’s face, but she just loves her body. And ladies, doesn’t she just inspire you to love your body, too?

I wanted to throw the cursed tract into the recycling right then and there, but what woman can resist free panties? I ripped open the mailing to find the terms and conditions of my complimentary undergarment. That’s when I gleaned a lick of hope that this whole “I Love My Body” by Victoria thing wasn’t just about long-limbed stick thin women with big perky breasts loving their bodies, but “Every Body” loving their bodies, like Dove Soap’s legendary Campaign for Real Beauty. ”

A Body for Every Body?! Has a societal tide been swayed by the backlash against impossible beauty standards? Is Victoria’s Secret becoming inclusive of body types other than the traditional busty toothpick? Umm…

Apparently not. That’s when I realized that Victoria’s Secret doesn’t want me to actually love my body. Why would they? I mean, if I truly loved my modest bustline that is slowly succumbing to gravity, would I feel compelled to mutate its appearance so it more perfectly fits into an abstract ideal? No, they want me to love their bras, which they euphemistically call “bodies.” What a mind fuck.

Anyway… my intellectual outrage just can’t stand up against free panties. I guess we really are the weaker sex.

Posted in Americana.

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Cold Wars

So the Vancouver Winter Olympics have come to an end. Life returns to normal. Americans can go back to forgetting about the existence of roughly a dozen arcane winter sports, Canadians can go back to being a boring place where nothing ever happens, and Norway can go back to XC skiing, which is apparently all that anyone in the country of 5 million ever does. Seriously, what a bunch of fiends.

And Russia can go back to the days of the Gulag, after an enraged Russian Prime Minister Medvedev spoke about his country’s dismal performance in rather omnious terms (here): “Those who are responsible for training for the Olympics must take responsibility. They must have the courage to submit their resignation. And if they do not have this resolve, we will help them.”

Medvedev is so going to go soviet on their asses.

Even better was the Russian hockey coach, who threatened to publicly execute his team in Red Square after they lost to Canada 7-3. I think the Americans should follow suit, and send a strong message to the US men’s and women’s curling teams that we’re not going to keep on tolerating failure on the curling rink. Curlers better start bring home some medals or they’ll be drawn and quartered on the National Mall .

Of course, if anyone deserves physical punishment for their Olympic performance, it is the French short track team. Every time I watched Apolo Onho battle those wily South Koreans in men’s short track, there was always some French guy wiping out on the ice and taking some unfortunate Canadian with him. It was inevitable. “These French fall like dominos” became our household’s Olympic anthem (sung to the tune of These Girls Fall Like Dominoes).

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The Imperfect Storm

New Hampshire finally got the snow they’ve been waiting for, with upwards of 2 feet of wet, fluffy stuff plopping down during this past week’s multi-day Nor’Easter. Unfortunately for the snow sporting folk, the snow was followed by a day of rain. An imperfect storm.

Our favorite XC ski area in southern New Hampshire strategized carefully to preserve as much snow as possible in the borderline conditions, grooming selectively. Not a good day to leave the backcountry skies at home, as none of our favorite trails were groomed, and we were wearing our piddly skating skis.

Here’s a rare picture of Mr. P falling!  Not that I didn’t take my fair share of spills on the ungroomed open slope, riddled as it was with pockmarks and ice pools. “Look, it’s Lindsey Vonn!” he called as I careened into a plush pillowy snow bank, to the amusement of a group of high schoolers (who, I must add, crashed way more than I did).

Here I am at the pinnacle of the open slope, looking out upon Mount Monadnock.

The XC skiing area was packed and there were a lot of characters out on the trails today. Sometime after noon, big fatty flakes started to float down from the sky, and I felt that finally, winter has arrived.

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